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10 Signs You Have a Problem With Love Addiction and Why You Should Do Something About It.

A wonderful part of the human experience is finding that close, intimate connection with another human being. Many parts of our society are built around stimulating that romantic connection and you can see this in film, in dining, in clubs, on TV, in books, magazines — basically everything. Love is essential to our happiness in life – not to mention a beautiful part of it. But what happens when a person develops an unhealthy relationship with love? It can lead to Love Addiction and the results can have quite the opposite effect on a person’s life and eventually lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and a never-ending parade of dysfunctional relationships.

This is the irony of Love Addiction, it isn’t that Love addicts are chasing the healthy aspects of Love, what they are really looking for, is for another person to complete them, and that inability to find fulfillment in the self, can lead to a whole host of problems that permeate all areas of a love addict’s life. What love addicts are really chasing are those intense feelings of falling in love. The early stage of romance called limerance, which creates an “urge to merge. ” The pain arises when a Lesbian mistakes this pull to merge as the true destination of their relationships.

If you are a woman who loves women and you find yourself struggling in your love relationships or you hop from one relationship to the next without ever feeling really fulfilled, you may be struggling with love addiction.

Here are the 10 Signs You Have a Problem With Love Addiction:

  1. When you fall in love, you assign magical qualities to the woman you are falling in love with. You idealize her and become preoccupied with that idealization. It actually hurts to be away from her.

  2. You feel a physical high when you fall in love as the brain releases love chemicals, called dopamine and oxytocin. These are all normal parts of falling in love but if you find yourself addicted to the initial feelings of falling in love, and seek out this feeling over and over, you may be a love addict.

  3. You give away the store right from the get go. You fall in love quickly and let go of all your healthy boundaries. You become too trusting and get emotionally involved before getting to know her, neglecting to find out if you two are even compatible or not.

  4. You look to your partner for constant validation and have unrealistic expectations of having your partner fulfill you on every level. Why is this a red flag? To be a truly healthy individual you need to be able to find self-acceptance and fulfillment within your self. You need to be able to self-regulate without counting on another to do that for you. Every person has childhood trauma and this trauma can manifest in seeking out validation from others.

  5. You want to please your partner at all costs even if it starts to hurt your relationships with your friends, your family, your children and your job. The love addict can quite literally abandon and neglect her own life in order to please her partner.

  6. You dive into your feelings for other women as a way to stave off deep feelings of unworthiness, emptiness, loneliness, sadness, grief, anger, guilt, shame and feeling unlovable. By avoiding these feelings you perpetuate them and put a great burden on your partner to fulfill these needs for you.

  7. You can’t tolerate being alone. Some women jump from relationship to relationship without taking the time to figure out why the last one didn’t work. They pursue a new love interest after their last breakup and at all costs.

  8. You have unrealistic expectations of your partner, pushing them to put you first in their life above all else. This absolute demonstration of love is the only way for your partner to prove to you that they truly love you. It is a grave mistake to expect your partner to abandon their own life. This will eventually lead to anger and resentment from your partner. Having an independent and healthy life of your own is the true path to develop deep and meaningful relationships with another person.

  9. When your partner eventually disappoints you, (and they will) you take off in search of the next, real, true love, without doing the work of healing the reasons behind these endless and relentless high expectations of your partner.

  10. And finally, the last way to tell you may be a love addict is you find yourself absorbed by romance and hold it as the ultimate goal of your love relationship. Being addicted to romance novels, romantic stories in film and television can literally put you in your own little bubble and end up keeping the one that you love…out.

There is Help for Love Addiction

If you feel you may be struggling with love addiction, there is help for you. There are helpful 12-step programs that address sex and love addiction specifically. They can help you connect with others dealing with the same issues. Being a part of a community is a great place to find much needed support. Read through my blog for other articles on healthy dating and other topics and resources on love and relationships. There are also many books you can read to give you more insight on this issue. Pick up a copy of my newly released book Lesbian Love Addiction; Understanding the Urge to Merge and How to Heal When Things Go Wrong, you can get deeper insight into love addiction specifically for lesbians here. Finally, you can look for a therapist who specializes in the treatment of Love Addiction and get some one-on-one help.

I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle, there are many people out there who are dealing with these same issues and there are more and more helpful resources on the web. When you are ready to find a healthy love relationship, there is hope!

For a sneak peak of my new book, click here.

— Dr. Lauren Costine

  • Dr. Lauren D. Costine

Lesbian Dating in Today’s Digital World

Dating can be hard no matter how you sexually identify. It may not be difficult for socially outgoing types to meet people, but for lesbians who are not as extroverted or even a little bit shy, it can hard. On top of that, everyone’s working at their jobs and careers trying to get ahead – that can take up a lot of time in and of itself so between taking care of your apartment, shopping for groceries, doing errands, paying bills, working out, and taking care of all your other basic needs, it can be challenging to even find the time or energy to go out and meet people, even if you don’t want to be single!

We also have to factor in the amount of time you want to spend on personal pursuits such as reading or other hobbies, hanging with family and friends and there’s the small matter of where you live. Big cities often have more going on and more places that you can meet people in your dating pool– not to mention a wider selection and actual amount of people! For lesbians, the amount of places to meet people often starts shrinking once the population does as well (unless you live in a famous lesbian area like P-Town, Oakland or Ithaca, NY).

If you’ve been having little luck in the real world, maybe it’s time to turn to the digital world to meet a potential partner. Lesbian dating is hard enough to do when you actually have a date– it’s even tougher to pull off without enough options. However, more and more people are turning to the Internet to seek out people they could potentially see themselves spending time with. Before you shrug this idea off know that the world-wide-web has come a long way in a short time when it comes to the dating sites and what they offer. They have stepped up their game and are easier to use, diversity friendly, sophisticated, private, discerning with more option than ever before.

Said another way, dating online actually has a lot of advantages; perhaps that is why the trend of couples meeting online is not limited to straight gals and guys anymore. More lesbians are taking to their laptops and their smart phones to meet women as sites are catering to multiple types of niches everywhere. While these options weren’t available ten or fifteen years ago, they are now.

With so many sites to choose from the chance to meet a variety of women is greater than ever. Below are some lesbian dating and relationships sites that are worth checking out and just might be more your style than the local coffee shop or club. You don’t have to worry about awkward approach and making conversation or even offending someone who’s in a relationship. Everyone who’s on a lesbian dating site is looking to date, meet people, and find companionship and maybe even a relationship. It puts all the right people in the right place so they can find each other and make connections.

Lesbian Dating Sites to Check Out

Meet women in your area who are looking to date or just find friends who live nearby! Pink Sofa offers quality lesbian connections and a free trial period as well.

Besides a cool name, Lesbotronic offers free personals for anyone who joins. All you have to do is sign up. Meet people who want to meet someone like you. Run 100% by lesbians, for lesbians.

This premium dating service caters specifically to lesbians and is free to sign up for. Thousands of lesbians have met their match on Pink Cupid’s women only dating service since it began in 2006.

Our Time is a site for queer women who are fifty or older. Explore relationships with women who are more sophisticated and mature lesbian dating relationships.

Finding a great mate, companion, girlfriend, or even eventual wife can be tough. Check out these sites and see how you like them. You may just find yourself amazed at the amount of women who are out there waiting for you!

By Dr. Lauren Costine

Lesbian Relationship Help For Healthy & Happy Relationships

Relationships can be tricky and maintaining a happy and healthy one, can be a challenge. However, it isn’t impossible and in this article, we will be looking at a few lesbian relationship help guidelines that will help both you and your partner have a more enjoyable and fulfilling relationship.

The first thing to pay attention to is compatibility. This is such an important part of a long term happy relationship and intense attraction does not always mean you’ll have enough in common to go the long haul. You and your partner should write a list of the things you both like and a list of the things you don’t like. Find ways to make those things you enjoy together a priority when you are hanging out. Make plans with friends and family to do the things the other does not enjoy. And then, of course, compromise on those areas that are important to the other but aren’t perhaps your favorite thing to do – it shows how much you love and support her and is an important part of a relationship – this can include attending important family gatherings, hanging with friends, going to cultural events that are not quite your style but you know make your girlfriend/partner/wife happy.

Unfortunately, many people stay in relationships for decades even though they are incompatible and are completely unhappy and unfulfilled during that time. So, in order to prevent wasting years of your life, you need to take an honest look at your relationship and the personality and lifestyles of both of you.

One of the most important issues that you should address or at least talk about in the beginning of your relationship is the topic of marriage and children. There are many people who are dead set on getting married and having children and then there are others who have no desire whatsoever to have children. Therefore, it is critical that you are in a relationship with someone who wants the same things otherwise the relationship can get very rocky or even self-destruct.

Next, another issue that you will end up dealing with is fighting and disagreements. Disagreements are unavoidable while being in a relationship, but it is important that both you and your partner learn how to fight and deal with the issues that come up. If you have different styles of fighting – one likes to yell and the other hates to yell – it is best of you take time after a disagreement – a time out so to speak – to calm down. After you both have had some time to reflect on what happened – and what was perhaps triggered you – you can then learn how to discuss the issues in a way that is comfortable for both of you. If you don’t learn how to do this a lot of hurtful things can be said while fighting and it is best that you both take time outs – figure out what is going on to avoid damaging the relationship.

Another tip is that in order to have a healthy relationship is you should not only schedule time to hang out but you should also regularly schedule time apart from one another. Couples that spend too much time together can become toxic and/or stale. It is tempting in the beginning to want to spend all your time with each other –try not to succumb to this urge – it is best if you take your time getting to know each other so as not to put too much on your newly budding love. Make sure to spend time away from each other at least 2 – 3 times per week and spend that time pursuing a hobby, cultivating your career or with your friends and family.

Lastly, a final issue that most couples have problems with is money and other financial matters. Therefore, make sure that as soon as your relationship starts getting serious that you discuss both of your financial habits and develop good spending and saving habits that will secure your future together. Money can be hard for some folks to talk about but crucial to a healthy relationship as it can cause resentments that are hard to heal later on.

In closing, we have just looked at a few lesbian relationship help guidelines that will enable you to have a healthier and happier partnership. In the event that you and your girlfriend/partner/wife can’t work out your differences, you should consider getting couple’s therapy which will definitely help both of you to address any underlying issues and overcome them together.

Here’s some fun real world advice from our friends at Everyone is Gay Youtube Channel.

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